Arnab Goswami – the Newsy Indian crush!


Family huddles around 9:00 PM, and turns Tata Sky on. An angry young man announces, “You’re watching the News Hour, with Arnab Goswami”. Yesss! The the Swami of late night news appears, Jai Ho! Granny asks daughter-in-law to hush the crying baby, better yet, feed the baby brandy so baby is out in la-la land for the next 2 hours. The scene is set and audience already knows how the debate is gonna end – politicians go home crying and complaining, assuaging the common man’s (aka aam admi) helpless anger towards the tyranny we call – Indian democracy!

Looking at the panelists! It’s Shazia Ilmi from the Aam Admi – mango people party for the banana republic; she’s just a mercy panelist because the entire party is largely ignored by mainstream media. From the BJP it’s Ravi Shankar Prasad, who is never truely reached his true Bihari potential, with his biggest claim being on the delegation to Cannes Films Festival. From Congress it’s Sanjay Jha, whose brain is the size of “a” pea and vocab the size of Yankees stadium. But you have to be either patient like Sanjay, or shameless like Sanjay – he’s mocked, de-graded, shamed and ridiculed every day for 2 hours, and still returns to the News Hour night after night. I think this is a part of a bigger consipracy, not only does Sanjay Jha paid by Congress, but also by the News Hour to make his shameless appearances. Arny, as I lovingly call him, is nice to just one person, that’s Nirmala Sitaraman. I think that’s because she is a pretty awesome feisty modern day woman leader. On the fringes you have people from BSP, SP, JDU, who usually have nothing to add except elucidate that they too eat from the same pot as Congress does. You know it’s gonna be carnage!

Credit: Getty Images

“Opening question tonight…”, Arny says. “What is the government doing about the rising onion prices, what will the poor person eat?” BJP restates it’s official statement of the decade, “Arnab, we left the country with a GDP of 8.4% and these BCs MCs have inverted the number to 4.8%”. Congress rep quips, “Yeah but all the children in Gujarat are malnutritioned”. Arny baby immediately reigns in the debate, calls Congress deranged and keeps asking about ONIONS and ONIONS and ONIONS. Congress tries their hand at shift-the-blame-and-hide tacky tactic, “Arnab, but that’s why we have the Food Security Bill, it will provide free food to millions of…” Arny shuts the fools in the middle of the sentence, with his beautiful black mane glistening in studio lighting “Mr. Jha from Congress, do you realize that poor people have nothing left to eat! You need to think about an Onion Security Bill, an Aloo Security Bill, a Roti Security Bill!” Rest of the panelists join in, “Arnab, Arnab…let me speak…a minute Arbab”. Arny doesn’t give a flying f*** and opens the phone lines for the audience to rant, “My budget allows me to buy 1 onion as a Christmas gift for my wife this year!”, another angry citizen asks for a special consumer loan to buy onions! The night goes on…

Credit: Tweetard
Credit: Tweetard

Yes, the TRPs are off the charts, no other channel comes close. What’s life without a spicy onion masala, especially in an enlightened Indian political discussion? If you or your ancestry is remotely Indian, you gotta enjoy name calling, mud slinging shaming and defaming on National TV every night! No, it never gets old and it never gives you heartburn…and if it ever gets that way, change the channel to Barkha Dutt’s sham – “The Buck Stops Here…Where?”, you’ll know the difference! I don’t care what the fake liberals say, she serves just one person – her granny Shiela Dick-shit!

Detractors and haters often say, “Your Arnab never lets anyone else talk”. Well that’s totally fine by me! I watch the show to hear him roar and soar, and not slime-balls from political parties who’ve always thrown shit in my eyes calling it organic fertile manure!

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